


To love you without being afraid

by Donteatthefootcream



Series: Pride Month 2020 [29]
Category: Re-Animator (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Awkward Romance, Crack Treated Seriously, Dan gets protective, Fluff, Getting Together, Herbert can bake, Implied Sexual Content, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Sleeping Together, Stress Baking, Work Parties, proud of it though, this got out of hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24905551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donteatthefootcream/pseuds/Donteatthefootcream
Summary: Herbert has been assigned to make the cake for a party at work. It goes better than Dan expected.
Relationships: Daniel Cain/Herbert West, Daniel Cain/Megan Halsey (Mentioned)
Series: Pride Month 2020 [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768411
Comments: 2
Kudos: 47





	To love you without being afraid

The hospital was given a grant, a big one. A big enough one that was worth celebrating, well, according to the new hospital dean. Dan was happy about it and so was everyone else. Herbert saw it as another day. Herbert didn’t think much of it until Dan and him were given the duty of making the celebratory cake. 

“I’m not making it!” Dan says to Herbert as they’re driving home. “You know I can hardly cook. A cake? This must be some messed up joke.”

“Perhaps there was a signup sheet we weren’t given, resulting in us being given this opportunity,” Herbert assumes, staring out the window blankly. 

To anyone, Herbert’s blank look would’ve been freaky, but Dan is used to it at this point. He’s basically seen everything with Herbert. 

“I’m not making the cake, so you are, Herbert,” Dan tells him. 

Herbert shrugs. “It can’t be too hard. I can try.”

Dan’s surprised by Herbert’s lack of fight. He’s always fighting with Dan, claiming that he has no time to do anything else, but sit in the basement. Yet here he is saying yes to something not dead body related without resistance. Dan is slightly concerned. 

“That’s it? You’re going to agree that easily.” Dan reaches out with one hand, nudging Herbert’s shoulder lightly. “Are you okay?”

Herbert looks at him. “I’m fine. Did you want me to argue?”

Dan frowns. “No, I was just prepared for an argument.”

Herbert goes back to looking out the window. It’s late and Dan knows Herbert hasn’t slept more than three hours in the past week. Maybe exhaustion is finally getting to him. Dan used to fight with Herbert, trying to make him go to bed or eat more than a slice of toast every morning, but he learned quickly that it was not worth it. Herbert was going to live on toast and coffee for the rest of his life. 

Dan thought his life was over when he realized in Peru that he had fallen in love with Herbert. He doesn’t know exactly when, he thinks it might have been when he was still with Meg. Herbert can be sweet and quirky when he wants to be. He cares for Dan too, the way he’ll comfort him or care for him when injured. Dan is Herbert’s best friend. 

He never said anything to Hebert though when he figured things out. Couples like them would have to be kept secret in this political climate. If things got out, their entire lives could be ruined. But, Dan doesn’t even know how Herbert swings. He doesn’t talk about _anyone_ in a romantic or sexual matter; he comes off as indifferent. Herbert sees others as a possible experiment, another thing to fix. So, how the hell is Dan supposed to know how Herbert would have reacted to his feelings? Interested or not, Herbert would most likely reject him in the most awkwardly kindest way. Dan didn’t want to go through whatever that would mean. 

Besides, Dan wouldn’t _want_ that. A romantic relationship with someone of the same sex. He enjoys Herbert, loves him, but acting on those feelings is stupid. An absolute mistake too.

  
  


Dan bought the cake ingredients for Herbert, thinking it was the least he could do for him. He has three days to make the cake, and Dan knows Herbert won’t forget, so he didn’t constantly remind Herbert of doing it. When Herbert takes up a project, he gets it done. Dan’s the one who nearly forgets, Herbert reminding him one day down in the basement. 

He’s dissecting a frog when he asks, “Should the cake be chocolate or vanilla?”

Dan shrugs. “I don’t know, Herbert. Maybe vanilla with chocolate frosting? You should be the one to choose.”

“Is vanilla with chocolate frosting your preferred cake?”

“Yeah, I guess so. Whatever you choose, it’s cake. How bad could it be?”

Herbert smiles, “Vanilla with chocolate frosting it is then.”

“DId you choose that because of me?”

Herbert looks up from the frog. “Yes?”

Dan chuckles softly. Yeah, he’s completely and utterly taken with his unstable manic. Sometimes he wishes he wasn’t, but how could he not be in love with this small man who isn’t aware of how endearing he can be?

“What do you want for dinner?” Dan asks him next, removing his gloves. Herbert might not have much interest in food, but Dan does. 

Herbert hums with thought. “Whatever you want.”

“Guess we’re having pizza.”

“No pepperoni.”

“Mushrooms?”

“That’s acceptable.”

Dan pats Herbert’s back, letting him know that his requests have been heard. He walks up the stairs, smiling throughout the entire phone call. Herbert is actually going to eat something tonight? It must be a miracle. 

  
  


When Dan wakes up around two in the morning the day of the party, he isn’t expecting to see Herbert in the kitchen, covered with flour and measuring cups spread out across the counters. Dan’s in a sleepy daze, only getting up to use the bathroom. But he finds himself standing in the kitchen’s entrance, watching Herbert make a cake instead. 

“Why two in the morning, Herbert?” Dan asks, rubbing at his face. 

Herbert jumps, startled. The whisk flicks with him, some of the yellow-y white batter landing on his face. “Dan!”

Dan walks up to Herbert’s side, looking at the mess on the counter. “How’s it going, Herbert?”

“It’s sort of like chemistry, surprisingly. I quite enjoy it. Calming. Less dangerous than the chemistry I do.”

“Certainly less dangerous the chemistry you get up to downstairs.” 

Herbert leaves Dan’s side when the oven dings, letting him know that the oven is preheated. He finds a cake pan, spreading a thin layer of oil in the pan to reduce the cake getting stuck. When he comes back to get the mixed batter to pour it in, Dan stops him by grabbing his arm. 

“Dan-?”

He doesn’t know why he does it. Maybe it’s the heat of the moment, or the way he’s half asleep, or how there’s batter still on Herbert’s cute nose. But he kisses Herbert. Kisses him softly and sweetly, a type of kiss that expresses adoration rather than lust. 

What surprises is him is that Herbert doesn’t push him away or make some sort of outburst. He pulls back after a few seconds, sheepishly telling him that he has to finish the cake. Dan takes that as Herbert telling him to go back to bed, and he does. He hardly remembers it in the morning, remembering it more like a dream than reality. 

  
  


The party the next day is fine. As fine as a work party can be. Herbert stays in the corner, a red solo cup full of water in his hand, and doesn’t talk to anyone. It’s what everyone expects at this point anyway; no one minds. He gives a curt thank you when people compliment his cake, telling him it’s one of the best cakes they’ve ever had. If Herbert lets the praise get to him, he doesn’t show it. Dan is sure Herbert will brag about it in the car ride home though. He’ll move his hands and his eyes will light up. _Over a cake._

“You should make me cupcakes and cakes for now on,” Dan tells Herbert, joining him in the corner. “Maybe you could try muffins too? That’d be a great change to breakfast.”

Herbert takes a sip from his water. “I won’t be able to do it regularly.”

Dan looks at Herbert with surprise, fork stopping in his mouth. “Is that a yes, Herbert?”

“I’ve found that baking is a nice distraction.”

Dan releases a huff of amusement. “You’re a stress baker now? I’m in for it.”

“In for it? I don’t understand. You eat terribly and you’re still as thin as you are. Your metabolism is rare for a man your age. It continues to be fast, keeps you lanky.”

“I’m going to take that as a compliment. Thank you, Herbert?”

Herbert simply nods. “How do you feel about carrot cake?”

“It’s good, why?”

“I wouldn’t mind trying it out. I used to have it all the time as a kid. Haven’t had it in years.”

Dan leans against the wall, taking in the sight of Herbert talking about something as personal as childhood habits. He ends up laughing at the pure weirdness of it. _Herbert being normal._

“Well, let me know what you need and I’ll get it for you,” Dan says. 

“I’ll pay you back for the ingredients.”

“You? Doctor Herbert West offering to pay me back? You’re beginning to freak me out, Herbert!”

Herbert only takes another drink from his cup, not giving in to Dan’s teasing. Dan doesn’t push it, just somehow leaning impossibly closer into Herbert’s space. The smaller man does glance at Dan’s proximity, but doesn’t say anything. 

  
  


Once Herbert became a critically acclaimed baker at the hospital, things change. At home and at work. Herbert makes Dan baked goods now, and everything is absolutely amazing. If this whole re-animation thing doesn’t work, Herbert should pick up baking as his road to fame. Be one of those judges on the bakings shows too. Dan would be able to be proud and tell anyone who would listen, “That’s my best friend, right there!” 

However, things at work changed for the worse. He hears the whispers the other nurses and doctors say about them. How they’re roommates who could live apart, but don’t. How they seem awfully friendly with one another. How Herbert only talks to Dan. They’re not kind whispers, thinking the two of them are involved in some sexual deviancy. 

“I think you need to stop bringing me cupcakes when you show up for your shift after me,” Dan tells Herbert over dinner. 

It’s strange how Herbert joins him for dinner now. Dan doesn’t know exactly why things have changed. It can’t be Herbert’s new hobby. Yes, baking is a big improvement from playing with dead bodies, but hobbies don’t drastically change people. Especially static individuals like Herbert West. 

Herbert places his fork back on the napkin. “Why? You’re my friend, aren’t you? I’m simply making a kind gesture.”

“Herbert-” Dan sighs, leaning back in his chair and his hands running down his thighs. “-They think we’re romantic partners?”

He lifts an eyebrow. “As in they think we’re homosexuals?” He scoffs, amused. “Who cares? What’s wrong with being gay? I don’t see the problem with it. It’s not harming anyone.”

“Herbert, you know how this country is right now-”

“Are you embarrassed?”

Dan throws up his hands. “Yes, Herbert! I’m embarrassed! Our reputations are on the line! Our careers! How could you not be embarrassed?!”

Herbert stares at him for a moment, as if he’s in shock. Then, he grabs his napkin, wipes his mouth, and walks off to the basement. Dan can hear the lock clicking as Herbert disappears. He sits there in silence, watching Herbert’s pasta grow cold. Herbert likes pasta, and he left it to grow cold. Dan knows he messed up. 

It hits Dan too. He offended Herbert somehow, which means that Herbert is most likely part of the community. And Dan really had to go off and say it’s an embarrassment to be gay. _He’s an idiot._

“Herbert!” Dan shouts, nearly tripping as he leaves the table as well. He tries the basement door even though he knows there’s no point. Herbert put some crazy locks on the door when they moved in. He bangs on the door, knowing it would bother Herbert. “Herbert, come on! I don’t mean it, really.”

No response. Not even when Dan keeps hammering on the door for a few more minutes, shouting Herbert’s name. He’s never seen Herbert so mad before. He would’ve come up and told him to knock it off by now. 

He throws the leftovers in a plastic container, and the plates go into the sink with a loud clang. Dan looks at the container holding the blueberry muffins. It breaks his heart. Who would’ve thought Herbert taking up baking would cause so much distress? 

  
  


Herbert doesn’t say anything to him at the hospital except for brief updates on shared patients. He no longer tries to beg Dan into helping him in the basement. And, he stops making goods all together. It’s a shame. A total, heartbreaking shame, and it’s all Dan’s fault. 

It’s weeks until Dan catches Herbert baking again. Four in the morning this time, and it smells strongly of cinnamon. _Carrot cake._ Herbert’s sitting there on the kitchen floor, watching the cake in the oven. The doctor in Dan wants to tell him that it’s dangerous, but he can’t. Herbert sitting on the floor like a child, wearing pajamas that look hardly used. 

He looks sad. 

Hesitantly, Dan sits next to Herbert on the floor. Close enough for his knee to sit on top of Herbert’s. He sees Herbert look at him out of the corner of his eye, but he doesn’t say anything. He goes back to looking in the oven. 

“Herbert, I’m sorry for offending you. For hurting your feelings,” Dan apologizes quietly. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes you did,” Herbert whispers. 

“Herbert, I don’t care if you’re-”

“You’re the one who kissed me at two in the morning, but you’re the one who’s begging _me_ for forgiveness. You’re the one who stands and sits too closely to me. I’m not the one with a problem, you are.”

Dan hides his face in his hands, releasing an exhale he didn’t know he had. He’s surprised that Herbert never mentioned the kiss, confirming to Dan that yes, he did do that in a sleep-like trace. 

“Herbert-”

“I’m making this for me. Not for you.” He removes his glasses, placing them on the floor. “You don’t have to eat this anymore, good metabolism or not.”

“I fell in love with you while we were in Peru.”

His face expresses absolutely nothing. He continues to just stare into the oven. 

“You wore those stupid cargo pants, and rambled on about iguanas. After everything, you were the only thing I had left. You still are.”

“Exactly. You’ve become attached to me since I’m the last thing you have. You are not in love with me.” The oven timer goes off, telling him the cake is done. “Now, go away, or I’ll put you in the goddamn oven.”

Dan doesn’t laugh, knowing Herbert is threatening him rather than teasing him. He gets off the floor, leaving Herbert to his carrot cake, and goes back to bed. Dan doesn’t try to tell Herbert to go to sleep, knowing it’s Herbert’s rare day off tomorrow. He’s expecting for Herbert to eat that cake by himself. All twelve servings. 

  
  


Herbert was in his room when Dan left for work. He knows this because the door was closed and when Dan let him know he was leaving, Herbert said his normal, bland response of “okay” from his room. Dan took it as a sign that Herbert would forgive him at some point, actually considering his existence this morning. 

“Remember that cake Dr. West made a few months ago?” One of the nurses asks Dan on his lunch break. 

“Yes,” Dan replies, trying not to sound sad at his cupcake barren lunch. 

“Well, it’s my daughter’s birthday next week. I was wondering if he would make it? I’ll pay!”

“I could ask, but I don't know. He doesn’t make things for others anymore.”

She frowns at Dan’s lunch, noticing the absent baked good too. “Why? He was so good at it!”

“I told him what people were saying about him. About us. He wasn’t happy. Isn’t happy.”

She suddenly looks uncomfortable, fidgeting with the ID tag hanging off her scrubs. “Umm....”

“Yeah, you guys weren’t kind. And you especially don’t deserve any of his cakes or whatever else.”

She scampers off after that. Dan knows it didn’t fix Herbert and their relationship, but he takes some sense of pride in standing up for him. Dan doesn’t know what he can do to fix their relationship. He likes the fact that Herbert won’t move out no matter what, loving the basement far too much. 

  
  


The kitchen looks as if a bomb hit it when Dan comes home. There’s food everywhere, and Dan knows Herbert must have had some sort of breakdown for the kitchen to come to this state. Dan drops his jacket over the chair and tries to see if the basement is locked. It isn’t. 

He scurries down the stairs and pulls the lab door wide open. Herbert is sitting at one of the metal tables, supervising the chemicals running through his equipment. His glasses aren’t on and there’s a half eaten chocolate muffin at his side. 

“Herbert, what the hell happened while I was gone?” Dan asks him, picking the muffin off the table. 

“You’re in love with me,” Herbert says. 

“Yes, Herbert, I am, but that doesn’t explain the mess upstairs. Or the way you’re blankly staring at the reagent.”

“No one’s ever been in love with me before.”

“No offense, Herbert, but that isn’t a surprise. You kinda scare people away.”

“People are a waste of space… except for you _sometimes_.”

Dan weakly laughs, running his hand through his hair. He takes a seat next to Herbert, helping himself to Herbert’s abandoned muffin. Herbert doesn’t say anything. 

He debates telling Herbert that the nurse asked if he would make her a cake, but decides against it. It probably wouldn’t make him feel better. 

“I missed your muffins, you know that?”

“I suppose you can have them again.”

Dan leans in closer, checking Herbert’s facial expression. “Are you forgiving me?”

Herbert turns to look at him, his face still blank as he says, “I love you too, even though you’re a pain in the ass who doesn’t know when to shut up.”

He grabs the side of Herbert’s face, pulling his head in to kiss his cheek. “You should look in a mirror, Herbert.” 

He’s grinning against Herbert’s face, and ignores Herbert’s impatient sigh. Dan angles his head, kissing Hebert on the lips this time. He’s going to remember it this time too. Herbert kisses back this time around, moving Dan’s hands from his face to hold them in his instead. Dan leans in closer, nearly pushing Herbert out of his chair. 

“There’s something appealing about opposing the supposed wants of a made up entity,” Herbert jokes, Dan placing kisses down Herbert’s neck. 

“You’re right. A man sleeping with another man sounds irresistible at this very moment,” Dan replies against his neck, his hands moving further up Herbert’s thighs. 

Dan feels the vibration of Herbert laughing against his lips, Dan making work of Herbert’s tie to expose more of his neck. Herbert reaches up to turn off the equipment, and then places his hands in Dan’s hair, silently asking Dan to continue his kissing and sucking. 

“I’m not sure about you, but there’s something incredibly morbid about sleeping with you in your makeshift morgue,” Dan confesses, staring at his handiwork on Herbert’s neck and the unbuttons he’s gotten undone. 

“Yes, that’s weird. Let’s go upstairs,” Herbert agrees quickly, getting up and leading Dan upstairs. 

  
  


To Dan’s pleasure, he doesn’t regret what they do at all. Doesn’t regret going upstairs with the obsessive Hebert West and making love to him. Herbert is peaceful while he sleeps, his face pressed into Dan’s neck as Dan runs his fingers over Herbert’s bareback. He has nice skin, Dan notes. 

He can’t wait to look in his co-workers’ faces tomorrow knowing he’s now in a romantic and sexual relationship with Herbert. It feels good, to do something he wanted to do for once, not thinking about what other people would think. 

Dan kisses Herbert’s head, leaning his cheek into Herbert’s hair. Yes, this is where Dan was meant to be. 


End file.
